I woke up embarrassed that I had started this whole blog thing. Embarrassed others might think I am a basket-case. I’m not. I have good days and an occasional tough day. But all in all, I’m still not the person I was before Greg died. Of course, I’m not praying that I return to exactly that. I know that’s not possible. But I want to enjoy life and being with others outside my family.
I’d love to be able to pinpoint the trigger(s) that spread the dark cloud over me for days at a time. If I knew the trigger(s), I could be prepared to fight back.
But I’ve tried that for a very long time. And after failing consistently, I gave up. I didn’t purpose in my mind to give up … I just did it without realizing what I was doing. But I see it now.
I must constantly remind myself that God didn’t place this desire to be renewed within me because He wanted me to try harder. If He specifically and very clearly asks me to change or do something different in my life, I will jump on it immediately. Otherwise, I’m determined not to try to help Him.
This was a good day. I went to a graduation party and spent time with old friends. My heart was warmed, and I SERIOUSLY felt alive when I was there. And loved. And safe. And happy. Thanks to God and to my friends!
Tonight I was watching Meet Me in St. Louis, an old movie I’ve seen dozens of times. At one point, the background music switched to a Christmas carol, and sadness washed through my being. Tears flowed as I shut my eyes and pretended Greg was in the room with me. Dumb? I don’t know. Maybe God. Maybe me. But it brought me close to the one I love, and I haven’t felt that in so, so long.
I accepted it for what it was and simply experienced what was happening without trying to censor my feelings or thoughts. Even now, I want to tell myself that pretending Greg’s presence is with me is not healthy. That I need to learn to be happy without Greg’s presence. That that’s the whole goal of grieving.
But maybe I need these moments to empty myself of my sadness. Maybe that’s what grief is about. I don’t know. I’m just trusting God to walk me through this journey. Totally trusting Him.
I’ve been through the Grief Share classes and thought they helped a lot. But there must be more work for me to do.
I’m not sure this is making sense to anyone but myself, but I’m okay with that because this is my personal journey I’m sharing. And I know that everyone grieves in different ways.
Finally, I want to thank all my friends who have responded so far and will hopefully continue. This seems like a crazy, intimate thing to blog, but God so clearly put it on my heart to do so.
Some of you are struggling with grief right alongside of me. Some as a result of a death. Others because of an empty nest or a major change in your lives. So many situations can lead us to a point of hopelessness. Or maybe apathy is a better word. Shutting down and subconsciously deciding to just get through life because we can’t understand where we are headed.
We’ve donned our masks and don’t even have to work to pretend any longer. Perhaps we’ve even completely convinced ourselves that our masks are real. But there is a war which continues between real and pretend. And God desires for us to uncover the deception and live in the light. For the TRUTH will set us free.
I have no clue where God is taking this, but I’m okay with that. Actually, more than okay … I’m excited to see what’s ahead.
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