I didn’t sleep so well last night. I kept wishing I hadn’t pushed send on my post. Not really wishing it, but just struggling with anxiety about it. What if I fail and nothing changes about my life? What if I have nothing to write? And on and on.
I started trying to evaluate what might be causing me to want to stay away from others. From life. Maybe I didn’t read my Bible or pray enough (the usuals). Maybe I avoided fellowship. (True) Maybe I needed to exercise and eat better. (For sure, but I’m not going there in a blog ?)
Then I realized why it seemed so important to figure out the reasons. For if I could do that, I could fix the problem. Right? I could be in control of my circumstances. Right?
But that hasn’t worked for me for the last 7 ½ years. So I sort of asked the Lord if I could do this journey blindfolded.
You see, I realized that my brightest students are often my most frustrating ones. Before I can even finish explaining instructions and my expectations, they’re half-way finished with the assignment. They’re so sure they know what to do that they become temporarily unteachable.
Then they screw up and become frustrated about not being able to succeed, and they come to me for help. Hmmm.
Maybe that’s me. With a pure heart, of course. I want to please God. I want to do all I can do on my end to fit into His plan for my life. But what if I’m actually thwarting his attempts to counsel and direct me?
Practically speaking … I woke up this morning and immediately thought about what I should change today. After all, I have to write about something on my blog. Maybe I would open all the curtains in the house. Go for a long walk. Call someone.
And then I caught myself. Doing. It. Again. Taking control. Hasn’t worked. Give it up.
Okay. This is your game, Lord. Your strategy. Your responsibility. I’ll listen and obey, but if You choose not to speak to me about performing a specific action one day (or period of days), that’s okay. I don’t want any responsibility in orchestrating this change in my life. Number one: I’m baffled as to what to try. Number two: If something does work, I don’t want or need the responsibility of maintaining the change. In my heart, I mean. It has to totally be a God-thing.
I heard from a dear friend, today, who lost her husband about 1 ½ years ago. Two weeks ago, God called her to take off the grave clothes.
Whoa. What does that mean? How does she walk that out in real life?
Personally, I think God just wants her to be willing to let the grave clothes go as they drop. Not to keep looking back. And I’m sure He’ll ask me the same thing at some point. Maybe I’ve done that. I’ve tried to embrace my grief and move one. But I’m stuck.
My friend so encouraged me by describing how something supernaturally changed in her heart the day God spoke to her. Nothing she had to do differently. Praise God. He’ll do that for me, too.
At this point, I’m listening for direction. I will say this: I know I carry a lot of sadness within me, but I can’t seem to reach it. Why can’t I cry? Why do I feel so numb on the outside and so broken on the inside? Why can’t I go there?
God knows. I mean that. And as anxious as I am about what stepping forward might look like, I feel relaxed in my Father’s arms. I love Him so much!
Barbara E. Haley
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